If you haven’t been living under a big ol’ queer rock lately then you’ll have heard of the new TV show Orange is the New Black. It’s a show that focuses on the story of Piper, a middle class blondie who is doing jail time for a crime she committed years ago with ex girlfriend Alex.
Lots of queers…jammed into one space…crazy eyes…sexual frustration…PIE… Let’s just say It’s well worth the watch; a comedy with meaning. It even has (M)tF trans representation by someone who is trans in real life, which is rare on such a big show.
Because I loved the first season so much, and am eagerly awaiting the second, I thought I’d come up with a list of OITNB quotes with examples of how they can be used in everyday conversation. Because lets face it…we all want to talk THAT talk.
1. Mr Healy’s ‘lesbian-based rooming’ talk with Piper
“Lesbian Request Denied.”
Whilst you may want to use this every time you tell your girlfriend you’re “too tired”, it would be advised not to in the name of all future sexual endeavours with her. Instead, if you are single (because you didn’t listen to what I just said), use it not as the denier, but as the denied. E.g. girl rejects your drink offer, girl is impressed with sudden lesbian pop culture reference (“Lesbian request denied?” *puppy dog eyes), girl then offers to buy YOU a drink. WIN.
2. When Taystee Was Topless On Top Of A Bulldozer
“So I’m sitting there…Barbeque sauce on my titties…”
This is just a no brainer. Obviously a story that can be part of a “get to know you” activity…preferably at your local church group.
3. When Piper is pissed at her teacher for blaming her emotions on her “red dot special.”
“By all means attribute my legitimate feelings to menses.”
Piper is sad an annoyed when she says this, however, it can be used to your advantage. Let this one go mid argument with someone who obviously has a superior argument to you. A raised voice will also help, if passers by can hear what you said, you’ve won; your competitors sheer embarrassment is the prize.
4. “Pennsatucky’s complaint about Piper and Alex dancing together.”
“She a lesbian. They lesbianing each other.”
A.K.A “That’s so gay! ” There’s no pass on this one. Just don’t say it, full stop.
5. Suzanne’s (Crazy Eyes’) poem to her new wife, Piper.
“Before I met you the sun was like a yellow grape But now, it looks like fire in the sky Why? Because you light a fire inside me.”
a) When not to say: During sex education; a “fire inside you” is definitely going to cause unwanted concern from teachers. That just sounds NASTY.
b) When to say it: When you’re rudely awoken in english class and asked to answer a question. It has to be the right answer eventually. After all, english is all about interpretation right?
6. When Piper is complaining…again.
“I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift.”
At a Justin Bieber Concert. Mainly because of the Taylor Swift part (well maybe the “felt up” part when referring to JB, he’s seedy like that). However, we all know Tay Tay and JB aren’t the best of friends, not after her BFFL Selena Gomez dumped his sorry ass for all that crazy shit he apparently did (still don’t know the deets on that one, soz!). Any way, we all know Tay and S have death wishes in the eyes of JB fans, so calling someone Taylor Swift as an insult makes sense to them.
I feel like I just got lost in some teen drama there. If you can decipher the above, you’re a genius! (that or 15 years old).
7. Pensatucky: “That’s lesbian activity!”
Pornstache: “It sure is.”
Picture this, you’re super, SUPER straight friend is Pensatucky. You are Pornstache (creepy I know, but for the sake of the quote, let’s move on). You drag them out one night promising her a fun “girls night out.” Little does she know, you’re taking her to a gay bar…Let her eyes be amazed (and her soul die a little from the sheer shock of it all).
Perfectly served in the form of revenge for all those nights you had to go to all the “straight” bars/clubs.
8. Taystee to Piper about the death threat note:.
“Someone say they gonna kill you. Say it right here. [your gonna die] See, they meant “you’re”, apostrophe r-e. As in, you are gonna to die. But this some ignorant bitch-ass shit.”
Refer to 5 b).
9. When Piper asks Nicky why she’s drilling the hole in the wall
“It’s an art piece representing the futility of blue collar labor in a technological age…and vaginas.”
When your art teacher (yes I know there are a lot of teacher/student references) comes by and asks you what your sketch/painting/sculpture/or even your very own “hole in the wall” creation represents…well now you know exactly what to say. You’ll end up using the quote twice this way because you’ll have to tell the principle as well.
10. When Suzanne (Crazy Eyes) throws a pie at Alex in Piper’s defence.
This is something that should only be said to you, not by you. There’s no reason to waste your own perfectly tasty piece of pie. Some dip possibly, maybe even a hot beverage, but not PIE! Ain’t nobody got time for that!
11. Poussey and Taystee’s imitation of yuppies.
“Should I sweep the bangs to the side or let it fall in the front?” “Sweep to the side!”
This is obviously a conversation to be had with your hairdresser. Confuse them with it, toy with them. Then keep it going for the whole appointment. Talk about your darling dogs, how you shouldn’t have to pay taxes just because you earn more and why you think your partner is cheating and with whom. It would be embarrassing if they found out you were faking it so you might as well just dig the hole deeper.
12. Crazy Eyes to Piper.
“You know, if you were still my wife I would tell you all the time how much I like yo’ titties! Because girl’s like that… and that is a tip from me to you.”
Just like in the show, this is obviously a conversation that would work with an ex. However, in the name of entertainment, it can also be used on perfect strangers who look like they are in a happy and healthy relationship. Note: Much MUCH funnier when drunk. It usually amplifies your voice for the whole room to enjoy. This may result in being kicked out. You’ve been warned.
“Don’t be fuckin’ with Harry Potter.”
Every minute. Every hour. Everyday. You just don’t do it, it’s a fact.
Well there you have it folks! That’s a couple of hours of my life I’ll never get back, but all for the people (chicken for the people). What are you favourite quotes from Orange is the New Black? Have I missed any good ones?